Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.

I feel fortunate and full today. I am going to DEFCON this year. I just received my itinerary from whitetras and it’s official. I’m bringing someone important to me to show him vegas for the first time.

I first went in 1995, when I was 15 and neck deep in linux, drugs and Marlboro Reds, and I’d recently discovered this thing called the web, and frequently picked fights about Slackware being superior to RedHat. I recall, during a recent move, finally throwing away my Slackware 2.7 CD which I had been keeping for posterity.

I went to defcon religiously for a time, my entire social network of people living inside a computer. I didn’t know most of their real names. I spent night after late night online tinkering, listening to music for the jilted generation (come to think of it, I think someone I talked to used ‘jilted’ as a handle..) and waiting for the next defcon, so I could see all these people in person again - and hardly remember most of it.

When I got a little older, I started playing with music, and joined mp3.com in 1997. The internet was still like the wild west and we were changing everything. My hacker friends helped me choose my juno 106 (thanks tfish) and hooked me up with equipment to make recording easier (tip of the hat to you whiteknight). After I created my first original song in 1999, on the floor of my living room, juno fresh out of its shipping box, paid for with my job breaking software at Microsoft, I started making a little money with CD sales and streams on mp3.com.

I was interviewed with ABCNews for an article on female hackers, and later about my music being online, based on a recommendation from Jeff Moss, assuring the reporter (Sascha, another person I’ve kept in touch with) I was definitely not a scene whore. I’m not sure how accurate that assurance was, but it sure felt good at the time. I still boast that Jeff pierced my navel, under mild duress in my studio apartment, sometime in 1999. That sounds pretty scene whorish to me, but who am I to say.

Countless things have happened since my first defcon, and my introduction to the hacker community. My first website complete with a blue satin background and ripped off animated fire gifs was created in 1995, hosting a splattering of terrible teenage poetry. In 1997, Lars from the IRC channel #suicide sent me a black and white quickcam, and the neecam was put online, one of the first webcams during the era of Jennicam and Anacam, both of which were more popular, active and racy.

I’ve occasionally contemplated what my life would have been like had I never discovered the internet and been part of a revolution. I can’t fathom it. I can’t fathom how I could have possibly found another pool of socially awkward, skinny, pale, wide-eyed geniuses to have sloppy, dysfunctional relationships with either. One of many reasons I am very thankful that my life turned out how it did.

I happened upon this awesome article about some of my friends. The L0pht is a fine example of what’s happened with this culture of misfits and criminals, but this is something that’s happened all over the landscape we built 10 years ago and long before that. I remember writing a rant about the difference between the hackers, my friends, and the script kids that were getting all the bad press, writing worms and breaking websites for attention. The hackers meant for what’s described in this article to happen from the beginning. They were out to change the world.

LOpht in Transition
04/01/2007
Michael Fitzgerald/CSO
http://www.csoonline.com/read/040107/fea_lopht.html

Brian Oblivion. Kingpin. Mudge. Space Rogue. Stefan von Neumann. Tan. Weld Pond. That’s how the hacker group called the L0pht appeared before the Senate Subcommittee on Government Cybersecurity on May 19, 1998. They said, among other things, that they could take down the Internet in 30 minutes. The senators listened closely and afterward praised them effusively.

It was a landmark moment for hackers, shunned, derided and loathed by the technology industry. And it was a landmark for the L0pht too. Though the group was already known for its vulnerability disclosures, for the Hacker News Network, for tools like the hash cracking tool L0phtCrack, now “everybody [in the hacking community] wanted to be the L0pht,” remembers Jeff Moss, founder of the Black Hat and Defcon security conferences.

Not bad for a group that got its start when someone’s wife said it was time to get his computers out of the bathtub.

The L0pht shaped the way disclosures are handled and helped force vendors like Microsoft to change the way they address software security flaws. There’s no question, either, that by raising the visibility of security problems, the group spurred companies to begin paying more attention to security. “You knew you’d better rattle your own doorknobs before the hackers did,” says John Pescatore, a longtime information security analyst at Gartner.

Some think, though, that visibility has hurt software security. “They were the Led Zeppelin of gray hat hacking,” says Marcus Ranum, who is credited with creating the first commercial firewall product and is now CSO at Tenable Network Security. “By releasing gray hat tools and techniques they were able to get a tremendous amount of attention. And they opened the floodgates for all the bottom feeders that followed them.”

Ironically, it was Ranum himself who helped give the L0pht credibility. As CEO of NFR, which made software to find intruders on corporate networks, Ranum used the L0pht’s vulnerability research to strengthen his product, and hired the L0pht both to do a code review and to write modules for his product, giving the group a legitimate corporate client to tout. He says he considers the L0pht members his friends and says they are “great guys.” But he thinks those who have followed them find vulnerabilities almost as a way to blackmail corporations. He blames the L0pht, saying, “They have changed the industry for the worse.”

Nothing in the L0pht’s emergence from Boston’s bulletin board community in 1992 suggested it would achieve any more notoriety than other hacker collectives of the day. Brian Oblivion, a hacker with strong interests in radio communications, founded the group. Oblivion declined to be interviewed for this article, saying via Space Rogue that he was too busy. Chris Wysopal, who joined the L0pht in late 1992 as Weld Pond (a handle chosen by pointing at random at a map of the Boston area, because the bulletin board The Works forbade members to use real names), says that Oblivion “had so many computers in the bathroom that his wife couldn’t use it anymore.” She gave the group space in the South End artist’s loft where she made hats. And for several years, the L0pht was just a place for Oblivion and his friends to hang out after work and store their growing collection of computing equipment.

Among those friends were Space Rogue and a teenage hacker and skateboarder named Joe Grand, who went by the handle Kingpin (named for the bolt that runs through the truck, or axle, of a skateboard).

Grand calls from the road. He’s often on the road, literally—he is a triathlete good enough to have a sponsor. He’s 31 now and runs his own San Diego design shop, Grand Idea Studio, which has designed RFID and GPS modules for Parallax, an in-game videocamera for Gamecaster, and his best design yet, a video game accessory that he has licensed but can’t talk about.

Grand, an electrical engineer, has also written two books on hardware hacking and is a technical adviser to Make magazine. If all goes well with a pilot he’s recently shot, this fall we’ll see him on an engineering show on the Discovery Channel. Yet he’s nostalgic about the L0pht.

“I’m having a really hard time with realizing that I’m twice as old as when I joined the L0pht,” he says. “We did so many great things—what can I do to top that?”

The L0pht originally built a network so they could play Doom against each other. But they got more serious in 1994 and 1995, shedding some members and adding others with specific technical skills that complemented the group. They moved to a larger space in Watertown, Mass.

Excepting Grand, who was still in high school, all of the L0pht held various day jobs, often working together at places like Comp­USA, Massachusetts General Hospital or BBN Technologies, the fabled research lab (Weld Pond, Brian Oblivion, Mudge and Silicosis all worked there at some point). They kept their identities hidden, in part to keep their day jobs. Everyone in the hacking community knew Dan Farmer had been fired from his job for releasing the Satan network analyzer. But the group wanted to turn the L0pht into a day job.

The charismatic, long-tressed Peiter “Mudge” Zatko had emerged as the group’s public face, if not its de facto leader. He developed, along with Wysopal, L0phtCrack, a tool that revealed weak passwords. Released in 1997, it’s still available on some websites today. “Back then, the companies would pretend [vulnerabilities] weren’t real,” says Bruce Schneier, the noted cryptographer and CTO of BT Counterpane. Schneier says the L0pht’s ability to build tools like L0phtCrack forced vendors to address security problems. “That’s the reason we have more secure software today. If it wasn’t for that, Microsoft would still be belittling, insulting and suing researchers,” he says.

By late 1998, the L0pht was actively trying to attract venture capital and turn itself into a real business—it had pushed out Stefan von Neumann and a couple of other short-lived members, and hired Christien Rioux (known as Dildog) and Paul Nash (known as Silicosis) to support L0phtCrack and do custom work for companies like NFR. The L0pht was not the first group of hackers to offer professional services or tools, but even in the giddy late 1990s, hackers still had an unsavory reputation. Finally, @stake, a security consulting firm, came to the group with $10 million in VC money and told the L0pht it could continue its research. The members voted to join it.

Even so, that merger, announced Jan. 10, 2000, marked the symbolic end of the L0pht. Over the next few years, its members were fired or drifted away, and @stake itself was gobbled up by Symantec in 2004. The only member of the L0pht still there is Nash. The transition was particularly difficult for Zatko, who spent six months on disability and left @stake after just two years.

Today, Zatko’s office at BBN is a rest area for sundry things. There’s a dead computer on a chair, and a working circa-1940s polygraph machine on a table. In a corner are two fishing rods and an antenna, part of an impromptu communications experiment. There’s a guitar signed by one-time porn stars Barbara Dare and Jamie Summers. A bound copy of the L0pht’s testimony in front of the Senate is on a shelf. On one wall hangs a picture of him with President Bill Clinton and Vinton Cerf, in which Zatko’s light brown hair is still rock-star length. It’s short now, parted in the middle. He has a goatee and wears glasses. He’s sore from a boxing workout the night before, a reminder that he’s in his late 30s.

Zatko says he can’t talk about what he does at BBN, other than to say it’s security-related and for some unmentionable three-lettered government agencies. He also says he returned to BBN, which employed him in the 1990s, before the L0pht was his job, in part because BBN told him there could be no publicity about the projects he was working on. “That was attractive as hell,” he says.

But Zatko can’t seem to stay out of the spotlight. He is the obvious model for “Soxster,” one of the main characters in former cyberczar Richard A. Clarke’s new novel, Breakpoint (the L0pht itself appears as “the Dugout”). And he acknowledges that he still “wants to make a dent in the universe,” the old motto of the L0pht.

After an hour of talking about the L0pht, Zatko suggests a tour of the older parts of the BBN laboratory in Cambridge, dating from when it was an acoustics consultancy. He shows off the silent room, the amplification room, the sonar tank, the place where it developed Boomerang—a technology being used in Iraq to help find snipers—and he talks about how much he likes the variety of the cool ideas BBN pursues.

“Originally, the L0pht was meant as a microcosm of here,” he says, with a wistful expression.

The spirit of the L0pht lives on most directly at Veracode, the security software company started by Wysopal and Rioux after they left Symantec in 2005. The company launched at the RSA Security Conference in February.

Wysopal post-L0pht helped codify responsible disclosure policies and establish the Organization of Internet Safety, and while starting Veracode he also managed to be lead author of The Art of Software Security Testing, published in December 2006.

Wysopal, at a rangy 6 foot 2 inches, was the tallest member of the L0pht and the oldest (he’s now 41). Rioux (whose handle Dildog was the original name Dilbert creator Scott Adams gave to Dogbert) was the shortest and youngest (now 29).

In early January, sitting in the conference room at Veracode, the two play Click-and-Clack about their time at the L0pht, and the purpose of Veracode, which in a real sense extends the L0pht’s mission: to make software more secure, in this case by offering a Web-based service that automatically checks software for security flaws, via a clever—and patented—technique for data flow modeling and modeling control flow analysis developed by Rioux.

Told of Ranum’s comments, Rioux makes a slight grimace. “The days are over when we should be flinging mud over the Internet about vulnerabilities,” he says.

Veracode has pulled in $19.5 million in capital from Polaris Venture Partners, Atlas Venture and .406 Ventures. While it has competitors, such as Coverity, Fortify and Ounce Labs, Veracode’s approach is “a cool spin” on existing security technology, according to Gartner’s Pescatore.

Both Wysopal and Rioux believe Veracode is ready to sharply reduce the world’s total number of software vulnerabilities.

The L0pht, then, are all now unquestionably legitimate, and their evolution serves as a metaphor for the security business, which is now mainstream. Companies like Microsoft and Oracle have developed methods to take care of vulnerabilities, and the L0pht deserves some credit for that turn of events. While the disclosure wars are again raging, thanks to bug-a-day campaigns and other ploys by the hackers of today, the L0pht’s overall impact on corporate security has been positive, say many, including Howard Schmidt, who knew the L0pht both in his role as a computer forensics investigator at the Air Force and as CSO at Microsoft.

Still, some vendors continue to try to shove security issues under the rug, and there is no question that more of the Internet is under attack today than ever before. So what of that?

Peter Neumann (no relation to the L0pht’s Stefan von Neumann) is 74 and still a principal scientist at SRI, working on security issues. He also testified before the Senate subcommittee on that day in May 1998. He says security vulnerabilities are a part of a much bigger set of problems that have existed for 40 years and probably will exist 40 years from now. But he chuckles when asked about the L0pht, saying, “They were pointing out that the emperor has no clothes on, and nobody wants to hear that, but they did it in a tasteful way that made people listen. They made a difference.”

I’m so very proud of my friends, and feel fortunate today to have had these people in my life as examples. Hell, just today I discovered a hacker friend of mine, Josh Klein (who I met after handles weren’t quite so important to ones safety, so I don’t know his) was not only the speaker in a TED talk, some of the most amazing presentations on the planet, but was in Oprah fucking magazine talking about his passions and experiments. My peeps are DOING something.

I, too, am out there doing my part to make a dent in the universe. I support a company I believe in as I make my base living to earn the stable springboard life situation I’ve built to do my more risky work. I’ve found a way to channel my compulsion to express and tell vivid stories, and the skills I’ve picked up along the way, toward a non-profit that matters. I have done some meaningful things, and I am growing, expanding, discovering new routes and possibilities nearly every day. I’ve come a long way from the girl who was found passed out under a van before defcon 6 had even started.

For a time, I wondered if my life choices, and the people I spent time with, were the reason I seemed so fucked up and constantly struggling. I wonder 15 years later, if they’re a part of the reason that, right now, I’m not.

Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.

“No matter how enlightened you are, as long as there are people suffering, you still have plenty of work to do.”

Who: Levity, Chimera, Dyno, Zita, and more fabulous aerial talent!
What: The first fundraising event for Vita Arts, a new non-profit arts organization
Where: Versatile Arts, 7601 Greenwood Ave, Seattle
When: Saturday, July 25, 2009 8:00pm - 10:00pm

Why?

Seems to me, many people spend a long time building their lives into something they can be proud of,  something comfortable for them, in order to be safe to accomplish another something that’s bigger than themselves.

I have done my fair share of struggling, trying different configurations, playing small and dreaming big. Over the last few years, I’ve contemplated what the bigger thing might be, for me. Sure, I sometimes make people happy with my art. I make money helping other people do cool things, I volunteer, and my financial/geographical footprint is about 15% of what it used to be when I worked for Microsoft. I even turn the water off when I brush my teeth most of the time. But what can I REALLY do to make a difference in life?

When it came time for me to serve the world somehow, I found that I wanted to create a non-profit organization to help perpetuate the transformative capabilities inherent in expressing ones self, artistically. To make a space for people to experience the healing opportunities I have had through art in a more tactile, kinesthetic way than I have with my personal offerings of performances, music, paintings and that sort of thing.

I know art saves lives, because it saved mine. I’ve seen the results, and heard the stories of others, about the power of artistic expression to heal and transform. Whether it be from seeing it, appreciating it, facilitating it, being it, creating it, failing at it, living it - I maintain that art has the power to touch absolutely everyone.

I’ve also seen how sharing myself artistically often effects and inspires people to action. How the experience of art opens people up to expressing life, to telling their once-quiet stories through a medium, helping discover courages and strengths we so often convince ourselves we don’t, or can’t, have. How art helps people face their fears, release difficult emotions, grieve, find direction and purpose.

Perhaps most importantly, I have seen how, no matter how bleak and helpless a situation may seem, one small, brave action creates a chain of them. Every time.

It’s never too late to choose to make a difference.

Vita Arts is sharing the power of art with the disadvantaged and transforming lives.

Our performances offer the public a chance to see our skills, and to be moved by the human spirit.  Our shows  also serve to fund and publicize our outreach efforts, working with individuals in small workshops, giving them a chance to experience creating art for themselves, perhaps for the very first time.

We are starting local, with two public performances and a workshop being planned in 2009 alone. We look forward to expanding our efforts in the coming years by collaborating with other organizations (such as disaster relief orgs, loss support groups, and those helping reform the incarcerated) to offer transformative art experiences to the disadvantaged of all ages, around the world.

Come find out more about who we are, what we’re doing,  see a great show, and best of all, help make a difference.

Please note: If you are unable to attend this event and wish to support us, we are gratefully accepting donations. Provisional 501(c)(3) status is in the works, and will backdate once approved for tax deduction purposes. You may send donations to Vita Arts, PO box 20233, Seattle, WA 98102.

Thank you, so much, for your support.

Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.

And here I thought I had chosen serial monogamy in committed relationships throughout my life because I was just too fragile and wasn’t capable of the self esteem to handle anything else. It sure did bug me, though, cause I had lots of fantastic ideas for many different kinds of things. Recent events have shined quite a different light on that belief.  Now I’m beginning to wonder if what I felt I couldn’t handle was more along the lines of lack of communication and manipulation.

Aha.

Also; I <3 New York.

[singlepic id=1535 w=300]

Hizzuh!

Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.

I hope these videos go as viral as I think they will…

Playing For Change | Song Around The World “Stand By Me” from Concord Music Group on Vimeo.

There’s also world versions of:

“One Love” http://vimeo.com/3097281
and
“Don’t Worry” http://vimeo.com/2903195

Originally published at neevita.net. Pictures don't crosspost correctly - if the entry looks like it's blank or doesn't make sense, check the original neevita post to view.

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The big day is approaching. The nights get longer, more rich and dense, as what is affectionately coined 'hell week' (by my friends who are much better versed in the in's and out's of theater than I am) pushes onward. I see why one might call it that, and there is no place else I would rather be, or anything else I would rather be doing. Perhaps that is where the energy to press on is coming from - cause it sure ain't common sense or physical logic.

The show is, in a word, stunning. The creative process of putting this evening together has been flowing, expanding, fruitful and an absolute joy to watch. Working with others to this extent to project a vision into the world has opened me up to a whole new dimension of collaboration and possibility in expression as an artist and performer.

It's just been a total pleasure to direct this project, this fine collection of artists, under a veil that has encouraged their expression and ideas, and to be open to receiving the wondrous results in allowing the unexpected to unfold. Knowing that the person I was, even a year ago, could not have accepted this gift.. well. Let's just say, I feel good right now. Really good.

Did I mention how fucking awesome this show is?

Obsidian opens this Saturday, Nov 15th, at the Little Red Studio. Tickets and a short description of the show are available through http://neevita.net/?q=node/5561

This is my first full fledged show. I am the creative director, co-producer, multiple hat wearer, and one of the main performers. If you like my work, it's rather a given that you'll enjoy this show. We are a tremendous crew, if I do say so. Come see it! It's going to be friggin epic.

And.. Thank you, for your support all of these years.

Originally published at neevita.net. Pictures don't crosspost correctly - if the entry looks like it's blank or doesn't make sense, check the original neevita post to view.

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Originally published at neevita.net. Pictures don't crosspost correctly - if the entry looks like it's blank or doesn't make sense, check the original neevita post to view.

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Please note: This entry is sticky at the top of my lists. To see my new entries, please scroll down.

I am excited to be working part-time at Qliance (http://qliance.com/), an amazing health care facility in Seattle which operates completely outside of the bloated US health insurance system.

I was skeptical at first, like I am about a lot of things. They are, however, stupendously awesome. Better health care for less. Better care for less than my copays under my free-to-me insurance through my old job, even. I spoke, on the phone with a doctor, about becoming a patient for 20 minutes today. 20 minutes. Have you ever done that?

In my search for a health care alternative as I lose that insurance through my former job, they have been an absolute breath of fresh air. For primary care, and the loads of little things I have break on me, I decided to go with them without hesitation last month. I am actually giddy to go in for my first official appointment next week - my 90 minute initial visit with my new doctor.

I've been asked a lot about how Qliance works, specifically how they can stay in business for how little they charge, and of course what the 'catch' is. I am happy to talk with people about Qliance and my experiences with them, and why I chose to join them vocationally as well as being a patient. I highly suggest that if you're interested in learning more, you hit up their website at http://qliance.com or give them a call and ask them about it. They are open 7 days a week.

Additionally, though their site has some testimonials if you clicked around, it really bares mentioning a few of these:

http://chaunceybell.wordpress.com/2008/04/26/concerned-about-healthcare-...
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=490773
http://www.yelp.com/biz/qliance-medical-group-seattle

As someone with many medical challenges, who's involved in multiple forms of the medical profession including practice as well as insurance administration, and as a human being, I am so glad to see someone finally doing this. I am an advocate.

Bravo.

Originally published at neevita.net. Pictures don't crosspost correctly - if the entry looks like it's blank or doesn't make sense, check the original neevita post to view.

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Given my recent experience Staring down that hole again I am moved to support this cause. I have not called Hopeline myself. The main reason I have never called a suicide hotline is due to the policies described in this video - the recipe for cops and forced hospitalization, when what I need to survive an experience like that is empathy, understanding and love.

http://www.hopeline.com/

It would be great if each person who reads this could find a way to support the hopeline,

For me, personally, I just called to thank them for what they are doing.

Originally published at neevita.net. Pictures don't crosspost correctly - if the entry looks like it's blank or doesn't make sense, check the original neevita post to view.

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Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.

http://www.skydiveseattle.com/

I'm going on Saturday. Now THAT is how to spend birthday money. Hot damn!

Originally published at Neevita.net. You can comment here or there.

I am currently having difficulty imagining anything more intellectually erotic than an epic chess battle with my lover.

I've spent my school break thus far mostly reading, I've started my third recreational book of the vacation, "Bush on the couch", a psychoanalytical case study of president fuckhole, after reading "The Road" and "The Time Travelers Wife", and I think I may have time for one more short one before it's back to anatomy and physiology.

I am SO fucking OLD and like.. classy, or some shit.

I also attended my first movie premier last weekend - I played Kelly in the feature film "MallRobbers" by Anthony Watkins. Is it just me, or do I look like a mother in this picture (with my friend Sam)?

Man.. it's going by so fast.

Ok, like, OMG. I soooo need to be sleeping right now, but I can't let this day end without honoring it with a post, even if it ends up just being a placeholder.

Today, I:

1) Saw lots of really fucking cute doggies. At one point I was tag teamed with cute and almost puked lovewretch on my own shoes.

2) Treated myself to my pseudo-semi-annual Grande Soy Chai, because I am fucking special and deserving like that.

3) Noticed some man checking me out while waiting at Starbucks for said Chai and decided to take a better look. Shortly after noting the quirky pairing of chuck taylors with obviously expensive dress pants and bunch of bags from really nice stores, like PINK, I realized that the guy was Robin Williams.

3.5) Robin motherfucking Williams, people. Oh yeah. I -am- the hotness, holy asscrack. I don't give a flying shit how vain and shallow that makes me, being all pumped up that someone famous just bothered to check me out long enough for me to notice it and realize who they were, because I am totally entitled. That was fucking RAD, and I'll bet he would have even thought I was pretty cool too, if I'd actually been obnoxious enough to have said hi. (Incident #21239808451 reminding me of the idiocy in my not bringing any fucking business cards out here).

4) Met with a group of dirty little hipsters from one of my IRC channels that I haven't gotten to meet before, and met up with hewinsd again. As is the theme this trip, even the GIRL was cool! There's nothing quite like the feeling of being the only other female in a group of strangers and not having to pretend you don't want to stuff a fistfull of whupass down her throat every time she opens her mouth. It still amazes me when that happens.

5) Oogled over, and eventually inquired about, a skirt (that is SO ME!!!) in the window of a Manhattan storefront, and found that not only could I afford the fucker, I could afford to get both colors I liked, another skirt, a sweater, a shirt, and a bracelet, too. Thankfully this happened before meeting the above mentioned cool-chick, so I got to pass the insider shopping know-how love along. Awww.

6) I fucking love Jamie Lendino.

7) I have broken through another set of personal barriers in regards to my musical appreciation, what exactly music evokes in me (and how intensely), what steps must be taken before making the kind of music I want, and my ability to channel my soul through my voice so I can share what I see with others. I started a pilot light over a year ago with my music and singing, considering many options on how to get myself back into the game of creation and performance, that had steadily been warming my butt, until tonight. Surrender is the fucking butane torch, and I am sufficiently giddy with flame under my ass. Expect some furious musical activity in the extremely limited time I have between my flight home and when school starts.

8) I. Fucking. Rock. Today I see the potential in me to be just like the artists and musicians that blow me the fuck away, the vast endlessness of the opportunity laid out for someone like me, and the fact that I am totally and completely capable of particularly astute kickassery now that I am finally becoming comfortable enough with myself to work with others.

9) I actually feel pretty today. I like to think that generally, people don't tend to notice how rarely that happens, or how acquiescent my sense of self esteem is to yielding to the bitter, nagging hag in my head that nothing is ever good enough for.

10) He is all that I envisioned and so much more. It's like a slow, tender fuck, wrapped in a warm embrace, devouring a chocolate cake under fresh, crisp sheets while stroking your recently waxed vulva and being showered in your lottery winnings, except.. not. But just as good. God, I have to have a conversation with them. One day.

I believe it could be said, that today was a Good Day. I feel special, worthy, unique, and understood. It's so fucking unreal and refreshing, I am resisting sleep based off the unlikely notion that when I wake up, this feeling will be gone. I am completely and totally sober, unaltered, and alert. I am so acutely aware and able to articulate my being with such clarity right now, I feel like a pearl of potential that's finally been set in motion, snowballing down the favored slope of possibility I've only imagined the brilliant people must have randomly stumbled upon while slowly backing away from freaks like me.

I know that this is work I am fixing on doing, but it is not hard. All that's left to do now is to keep going, doing what I am doing, and every once in a while just let myself go on and be amazing already. Welcome aboard the Right Track. Today I am so very excited to be living my life.

Thank you so much for being here with me.

1931 Model A for $14800, Rio Linda CA

Holy jesus I wish I had 15 grand laying around for a rainy day. This car was made the same year my dad was born, and frankly it looks to be in better shape than any of the VW's I've owned over the years.

I didn't test drive it or even talk to the people, but I had to get a picture of it. Stunning. Awesome. I love shit like this. One thing Cali has going for it is the weather, and how it tends to preserve classic cars that would have been complete scrap if kept in Washington.

What a lovely day.

A couple years ago I wrote about the passing of Jonathan Brandis, one of the few hearthrobs I had during my childhood. It still, and I suspect will always, sadden me in an indescribable way to be reminded of the loss. Again, another gone at 27, the age of genius suicide, the year the damage of living fast catches up and it comes time for the dying pretty part.

I was reminded of him again while watching Outside Providence, went googling, and found http://www.jonathanbrandis.org/

I'm awestruck at how lovely, tasteful, thoughtful, and well executed that site is. I'm just floored. It's stunning, and somehow accompanies the ache perfectly, in recognizing the validity in my melancholy without hitting me over the head with it.

Very touching.

I am forever lonely beyond the words.

From bevsobs journal ----

I just found out that Animal Talk Rescue, where I volunteer, was broken into, robbed, and vandalized over the weekend.

http://www.king5.com/localnews/stories/NW_100706WABpetstoreEL.175b074e.html

I am horrified. They freed the birds and small rodents, then let the cats out to hunt them. And they stole all the reptiles, including the giant iguana. Who would do this sort of thing?

The damage and vet bills will run into the thousands. If you have time to help, or money to contribute, let me know and I'll find out how best way to do so. I know you can donate money via Paypal through the ATR web site: http://www.animaltalkrescue.org/help.html.

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She left out the part where many of the smaller animals were intentionally stepped on and killed. There is a special place at the end of a rope for fuckers like these. Guess it's time to learn how to tie a noose.

I'm not in a position to donate right now, we just bought our sponsor kid and bunch of presents for Eid-Al-Adha. Step up if you can please, and show me something beautiful.