Originally published at neevita.net. Pictures don't crosspost correctly - if the entry looks like it's blank or doesn't make sense, check the original neevita post to view.
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It was utterly amazing. I was super stoked. The fear was gone, the confusion was gone. I'd made my peace, found my respect, come to my terms. It was beautiful.
I hadn't gone to the last two cadaver classes, and I don't regret that. I was not in the space to go and I refused to force myself to. It turned out to be better, since they let us stay late to review whatever we wanted to, so I got to see the things I wanted to see from the classes I missed at my own pace, which was much faster and more streamlined than that of an instructors. Part of what made the labs difficult for me was the length of time we were in there.
The difference between how we handled things for the first class (only the body part we were looking at showing, avoiding scalp and ear and hands and feet, not having more than one body uncovered at a time) and how we were after 5 labs, exploring openly an entire uncovered cadaver, including their organs and face and brain, was really interesting to observe.
I have more understanding now toward the teachers I felt had treated the bodies offensively at first, who were using their fingers instead of tools to point things out and left one body open while moving on to another one. While they tried and generally succeeded in taking our states into account, they'd just already gotten over all that, where I had still been super sensitive toward the experience and found some manners uncomfortable.
I didn't realize it at the time, but I performed a closing ritual tonight with the bodies we'd come to know, after staying late and most of my classmates having left. Systematically, and without even realizing what I was doing, a classmate and I put them back together. It started with returning the old mans face skin into place. Then, to the woman who was face up, completely undone, and needed to be put back together entirely, including her liver and heart and brain, then finally to the face-down man who's brain and legs we had been looking at.
It felt natural, interesting, even fun.. and later, was extremely powerful and meaningful to me to have done that, though my initial motivation was 'Lets see how much we know!'. As far as I know, none of the students had assisted in situating the bodies after lab before. We simply did it, and we did it correctly (yay for education!) because it just felt right, without even really thinking about what it was I was doing.
The woman in particular was potent for me. I'd never really been comfortable with her. She was overweight and very diseased, had many kinds of cancers, and overall she kinda grossed me out. I would feel sadness looking at her, her pathologies, her 11lb giagantic liver, all the adapose tissue she had, her insanely oversized lympth nodes.
When we uncovered her face, though, the skin peeled back except the eyes, nose, and mouth which were not cut away, she changed for me. She looked like a pretty little monkey, with long eyelashes, quiet and noble. It reminded me of how linked we are to other species, how we're all made of the same basic stuff, and I just felt this sense of wholeness and love. Later, when I placed the skin of her forehead back on her face, I saw that she had the most beautifully sculpted eyebrows I think I've ever seen.
Before tonight, I think I had actually touched the cadavers twice. Once, that I vividly remember.
Un-coincidentally I am sure, I had a (living) client in clinic last week who was similar, and smelled really badly. I was impressed and proud to notice that while I was aware of those things, my impulse to judge and focus on them naturally gave way to giving that human being the best massage I was able to give her, through all her strange pathologies and difficult attributes.
In that situation, there had not been any single physical indication that embodied the beauty I felt eminating from her dispite the other stuff, like the eyebrows on our cadaver. However, the sense, and knowing that there was something of beauty and worth there - countless things - even if I wasn't seeing them on the surface, rang very true for me. This was a person, a human, a living creature, on my table, asking me to do what I could to help them heal. And I did, and I enjoyed it, and I felt good about it afterward.
It isn't just about surface things. It's not just about finding something I fancy in how a body looks to make the rest of it bareable. But finding that thing tonight in a perfectly groomed eyebrow (which was actually imperfect and partially overgrown) rocketed something deeper to the forefront, something I had been feeling but couldn't really place. The good in people is starting to outweigh the bad, subconsciously, for me. After all this time and all this work and all the fears I've faced and all the abuse and terrible things I've seen and tried to mind over matter, to force away, I can finally feel the scales tipping behind all that. It's happening for me. I am fucking DOING it! Sometimes I can actually just stand back and go.. wow. I am fucking DOING IT!
Reprogramming to the kind of extent I have been is an extremely substantial undertaking. It's time consuming, often painful, scary, and sometimes very frustrating and even alienating, and sometimes I feel like I'm just falling flat. But the days of being afraid to touch people, of lacking confidence in my skills and knowledge, of allowing my fear of hurting people and being hurt by them to paralyze me, and of fearing the human body, are slowly but surely fading into the distance. This education, this experience, and this decision I made for myself has brought me everything I wanted from it - a real chance to be truly supported as I transform, to learn what it means for me to have support, and to know how to find it in the future.
I realized the other day, that I haven't even thought about how I'm going to make back the money I've spent on school - it hasn't been factoring into my plan. This education has been worth every single fucking penny, no matter what it is I do with it on a business level. The single most enriching experience of my life, the first certification program I will have completed, my first school experience since dropping out of high school in freshman year. And there's more I'm gleaning from this last cadaver, about my personality and growth and hwo I tend to view things, but it's freakin late and I'm exhausted and want to get this done.
I truly have tapped into a deeper sense of my humanity. And I am an amazing therapist, to boot, as well as one of the last 24 people who will ever graduate from this revered and unique program. Recently, while musing with someone about my tendency to be drawn toward sick animals, I was told that it was because I am a healer. I really hadn't thought of it that way, but now, I agree.
My final exam is in two weeks. Then, 3 months of business during another round of clinic, and the state exam. The final stretch is thoroughly enjoyable, and overall, my memories of this program are positive and resolved. There's been so much else in my life going on as well, my only regret is that I let some of those things take more of my attention from school than I would have preferred, in hindsight as well as usually knowing in my heart at the time. But even recognizing that was a great learning experience, not to mention the distractions themselves, and I don't think I could have asked for more from my $15k, or my 18 months. I was ready, and even through all the other shit that went on I've rocked school, and I've made lasting bonds that I will remember for the rest of my days, as well as the groundwork to forge many, many more.
Thank you. To the universe, to my former husband, to my boss, to my friends, to my supporters, my teachers, to my challenges, to my failures, my triumphs, and to myself for receiving them all. My life is incredible. |
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neevita's journal
I adore my new vocation, the freedom I have in making my own schedule. It's a great fit for me and I'm looking forward to expanding, especially with the spa, which is where I am finding my passion. My private practice is awesome, and I do great work with wonderful people. The spa is a different experience all together.
Paintings from one of my favorite artists are always on the walls, and changed frequently. There are couples, ladies and mens nights to get acquainted with the place before committing to a spa session, and like LRS is to theater, LRDS is an entirely unique spa experience unlike anything available at a chain or salon. 
My favorite session to do right now is a 2 hour Watsu, mud application, massage and salt scrub. All my favorite sensations and favorite things to do at the spa wrapped up in one. We can even break the Watsu up into two sections, one being a lesson on how to give it, so you can share your experience with others as well. All in a space that you have all to yourself, with services given by yours truly, or even two practitioners if you want.